Perfectionism and its Pitfalls

A while ago I worked with a bright and highly accomplished client whose outward appearance and demeanour exuded confidence and self-efficacy. She was highly renowned and respected in her career for the quality of work she produced. Yet her internal dialogue and scenery were anything but confident. She was often plagued by deep feelings of self-doubt that she had learned to mask over time. She reminded me of who I was several years ago and the internal battle I personally faced. How many of us can relate to this?

There are several factors that contribute to profound feelings of self-doubt in the face of outward success. One of these factors is the characteristic of perfectionism and it is this that we will explore here. Perfectionism is the unyielding strive to constantly meet the high standards that we set for ourselves. Now don’t get me wrong, there isn’t anything wrong with setting high standards for yourself. In truth, it fuels the internal fire required to achieve your goals. It stretches your abilities and challenges you to accomplish your desired outcomes. After all, isn’t this what we all want to strive for?

I am a massive advocate for each of us having the skills required to lead a successful life in which we constantly meet our goals, however, not at the expense of our health, self-esteem and welfare.  There is a significant discrepancy between the adaptive and maladaptive pursuit of our goals. When our sense of self relies entirely upon external factors we are engaging in maladaptive behaviours. When we repeatedly seek validation for our self-worth by wanting to attain our high standards at any cost we invite unhealthy levels of pressure and stress into our lives. We allow self-doubt to occupy a habitual space in our head if we truly believe that we are only as good as our last accomplishment.  Self-doubt stifles creativity and it sabotages the skills needed for adaptability. In the long term, this actually becomes counterproductive as it goes against what mental strength exemplifies. I call this the dark side of perfectionism.

Perfectionism is a learnt behaviour that many of us were taught in our formative years and demonstrated in our behaviours at school, with our siblings and friends. The good news is that we can unlearn this self-defeating behaviour. Replacing perfectionism with well-adjusted behaviours renders to a successful life built on self-efficacy rather than self-doubt.

Deconstructing the characteristics of perfectionism

Set Flexible Goals

A perfectionist personality thrives on rigidity, however, life is unpredictable and ever changing. Setting realistic goals with a flexible approach allows us to deal with the uncertain elements of life. It helps us to become adaptable ad bounce back from failure.

Make friends with failure

Failure can be frightening for anyone, none more so than for those who have built their life on being perfect in all that they do. Failure is unavoidable and we must change our relationship with failure. Failure does not have to be scary and we can learn from our failures if we change our perception of failure.

Detach from the outcome and focus on the path

When we become overly attached to the outcome we rob the happiness we would have experienced on the journey. We become anxious and fearful when we are emotionally tied to the end game. Being detached from the outcome does not mean we become indifferent or lax on our efforts. It means that we learn to disengage ourselves from fear, anxiety and the negative self-talk.

You are not your accomplishments

You are greater than the sum of all the things you have achieved in your life. Those with a high self-worth have a belief about themselves that emanates adequacy, worthiness and strength. This belief is unwavering and independent of what they accomplish in life.  Learning to cultivate self-compassion, self-love and honouring your needs is an important step in detangling your self-worth from your extremal source of success.

Celebrate small wins and don’t take yourself too seriously

We do not need to wait till a major goal is achieved in order for us to acknowledge our efforts and celebrate the progress we have made. The attainment of the desired outcome occurs through a series of small steps and each must be celebrated. Celebrating small wins builds optimism and motivation to continue the forward momentum. Don’t take life too seriously, we all think we have infinite time on this planet and behave accordingly. Life is impermanent and complex as it is.  Being able to laugh at ourselves, forgive ourselves and have a healthy sense of humour helps us to work with the flow of life rather than against it.

Having high standards for ourselves is not a terrible thing, it becomes problematic when we try to attain these standards at the cost of our health, happiness and well-being. Perfectionism does not have to be a negative trait if we change our perception towards it.